I've never been very good with words, writing or speaking them, but I was encouraged tonight through a conversation with an old friend I hadn't seen in a while. It started off with a few of us sitting around strumming some songs on the guitar. My friend shared a song that he wrote shortly after his dad died (you can listen to the song sung by one of his friends here, the song is called "drive west") and I realized that I really haven't even talked to anyone much since my dad died.
It's been almost 8 months since my dad committed suicide and I'm still trying to figure out how I feel about it. After it happened I spent the better part of a couple days not doing anything, because I didn't want to do anything. But shortly after that I had to get back to every day life; my second son was born two days before my dad died, I was in the middle of my first semester back to school since moving back to Kansas, and I had just gotten a new job. But now that things have slowed down I've had more time to think about it, but at this point I still don't have any clarity. I miss my dad, but at the same time I think I'm also angry about the selfish decision he made and the mess that he left me with and I feel like I have a tremendous weight on my shoulders from that decision.
I don't know what the future has in store, but I know that my dad won't be there to help me with things like fixing up my house or going to enjoy the latest comic book movie at the theater, but I know that my Father will be there for me to carry my burden (Psalm 55:22 Cast your burden on the LORD, and He will sustain you; He will never allow the righteous to be shaken.) I also have a wonderful family that brings me joy and amazing friends to encourage me in Christ and pray for me.
3 comments:
Thanks for posting this Tim. It may not feel like it now, but talking about it and sharing with others can bring tremendous healing to you and others. You are an amazing young man.
Very eloquently said. With my own father's life and death I had to learn that human fathers are so important but they/we are still only provisional. Thanks for sharing.
What's funny is I started to blog as well but got bored. Anyways I hate that you are there and having to deal with everything up close without me there to help. I think it is good for us to talk about this. Our whole life growing up no one talked to each other we jus fought we didn't learn to share our emotions we just bottled them up inside. I don't blame anyone for that it's just the way it was. After Beth showed me this blog I took a shower (the two are not related) and I was thinking about how selfish dad was in the end. I also wish I was closer and had spent more time with him like you got too. I miss him and hope that his burdens are lifted and he is happy. After going through this I have definitely learned some things about life. The one thing I keep going back too is that people will always fail us but our true father God will always be there for us even when things are bad. I know dad tried to reach out to God in his time if need but instead fell into the temptation of giving up. Mathew West has a song called life inside you and it makes me wish I knew that song a long time ago to share with dad. You should listen to it. Just remember we are here and love you guys I know we are 1200 miles away but just a phone call and it does hurt but let's agree that to heal I think it's time we forgive dad for his mistakes and for being selfish and let God start the healing process in our hearts. In time with gods help we will heal. Love you Timmy wish you guys were closer to us.
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