I've never been very good with words, writing or speaking them, but I was encouraged tonight through a conversation with an old friend I hadn't seen in a while. It started off with a few of us sitting around strumming some songs on the guitar. My friend shared a song that he wrote shortly after his dad died (you can listen to the song sung by one of his friends here, the song is called "drive west") and I realized that I really haven't even talked to anyone much since my dad died.
It's been almost 8 months since my dad committed suicide and I'm still trying to figure out how I feel about it. After it happened I spent the better part of a couple days not doing anything, because I didn't want to do anything. But shortly after that I had to get back to every day life; my second son was born two days before my dad died, I was in the middle of my first semester back to school since moving back to Kansas, and I had just gotten a new job. But now that things have slowed down I've had more time to think about it, but at this point I still don't have any clarity. I miss my dad, but at the same time I think I'm also angry about the selfish decision he made and the mess that he left me with and I feel like I have a tremendous weight on my shoulders from that decision.
I don't know what the future has in store, but I know that my dad won't be there to help me with things like fixing up my house or going to enjoy the latest comic book movie at the theater, but I know that my Father will be there for me to carry my burden (Psalm 55:22 Cast your burden on the LORD, and He will sustain you; He will never allow the righteous to be shaken.) I also have a wonderful family that brings me joy and amazing friends to encourage me in Christ and pray for me.
